over the hill... or under the gun?

I like getting older...  honestly, I hated childhood-- totally fucking hated it.  I'll be 31 in a few weeks and I like that...  no more of the social pressure of the 20's.  I dress how I want (New Balance shoes for the arch support), listen to the music I want, and hang out with the people I want.  I also find that day to day, I am different than I was even just a couple years ago.  The morning is no longer my enemy.  I don't set my alarm for an hour before I have to be at work, hit the snooze a couple times, and then rush.  I like getting up a couple hours early.  I like to walk through the neighborhood to the coffee shop.  I like the walk home smoking a cigarette and drinking iced toddy-- standing in front of my shack for the last couple drags.

I like my bar to be quiet.  Weekends I stay in and try to get better sleep, because now I can go hiking again.  Nobody ever wants to go hiking with me-- and that's great.  I like being by myself in the desert.  I no longer have to feel guilty or bad because I like being alone.  Antisocial? no...  Unfriendly? no...  I just like it.  You know, like Bukowski said, "I don't hate people, I just feel better when they're not around."  That's not necessarily true but its a sentiment I keep close to my heart-- out of principle. 

There is a drive with youth that I sometimes feel I should have latched onto...  and I think that's true-- I could have used and still could use more motivation in my life.  I've seen that drive go completely haywire, though.  How many divorces, unwanted babies, and drug addictions have we all seen?  But that's even a cop-out.  I'm not traveling the world or saving lives...  that doesn't mean I can't in the future.

But at this age, its too easy to look back on your twenties and see waste.  Its easy to see the credit card bills, medical bills, paycheck to paycheck way of life as if you've stepped under a cement mixer.  That's not what it is.  Its the consequences and happenstances of your life.  Sometimes it's an unwanted message...  but its a reminder that we are in control.  I did this...  my parents didn't do this...  the other kids didn't do this...  The trap of being raised middle class and feeling entitled to things I didn't earn-- well, lesson learned and being paid for.  Ignoring my leg going numb randomly for over a year-- lesson learned and not to be repeated.... friends and family lost in fray-- greatly missed...

Of course, at this point you realize that the dreaded "The Man" is there to capitalize on all your downfalls.  But atleast you know he's not some mythical beast you rage against and that he's a real motherfucker and you learn how to avoid as many of his tricks as possible (although, I still support the raging)....  some days you'll be lucky and just as he's about to stick his fist in your ass, you dodge and laugh about reaching your out-of-pocket maximum...  oh, and then realize that if you've hit your OOP max, you've had a pretty bad year...  but none the less, these bills are on him-- you take what you can get and ask for as many unnecessary medical treatments as possible... 

I guess I like the knowledge and comfort of getting older.  I feel like I finally have the tools to maintain myself rather than constantly trying to figure out who that is.  Not that I can't change or that I make perfect decisions, but I know a bad decision when I'm making it.  I know when I fuck up.

But really, the best part is not having to dress like an idiot...  seriously...